


If Only For You

by ariannadi



Series: Arian Lavellan [4]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Bit of angst in the middle, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Lyrium Addiction, Nightmares, Romance, fluff at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-05
Updated: 2015-03-05
Packaged: 2018-03-16 11:53:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3487298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ariannadi/pseuds/ariannadi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One of Arian's current fears plagues her one night. But this fear stems from who she deems dearest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Only For You

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't even bring myself to watch the playthroughs of people who chose to let Cullen continue taking lyrium. He's obviously brainwashed on the stuff and so robotic. Therefore I thought, how would my character Arian feel if she were to experience something to that effect? I would be devastated, and she's no different.
> 
> For the record, I know what it's like to personally be around people who suffer from drug withdrawal, it's not an easy process, trust me. Even so, it's much better than seeing them being controlled by some substance that could ruin their lives forever. So I do feel anger toward those who let Cullen continue taking lyrium, to say the least. To put an order before a person is very selfish to me.
> 
> If you want to know what Arian looks like: [here!](http://martini-september.tumblr.com/post/124374964862/i-dont-even-think-you-understand-how-much-i-am-d)
> 
> Question? Concern? My tumblr: [here](http://www.martini-september.tumblr.com)

It had been a surprisingly quiet afternoon, at least from the normal hustle and bustle that Skyhold usually faced.

Something was off, however. Arian began to grow concerned as she walked through one part of the garden, listening to a few of the soldiers discuss something of interest. They seemed…monotonous, almost robotic. Cullen was known to be very comradely with his troops, treating them individually and not as a number. Well, it depended on who you asked, anyway. Sera had resorted to calling them his “pets”.

As she walked on, she began to notice their frequently odd dispositions the more she came across. Pretty soon every soldier she passed by was rambling the same utter nonsense, and Arian began to panic.

With a start, she quickly found her way to Cullen’s office, opening the door without as much as a knock. What she saw then nearly broke her heart; a lyrium kit face-open on Cullen’s desk, with all of the contents missing. The man himself wasn’t even present, and it provoked her to look up. He had to be in his loft.

Climbing the ladder she found her suspicions to be correct, as she saw her beloved Commander sitting there on his bed, ingesting a vat of lyrium with a dazed look on his face. “Cullen!” she cried out, bringing him momentarily out of his stupor. He raised a brow at her, his eyes immediately becoming hard as he put the vial down.

“Inquisitor. I thought we discussed you barging into my quarters without my permission,” he said straightforwardly, not an ounce of a smile or even warmth coming from his tone.

Arian could hardly take it. He never called her Inquisitor in their private moments any longer, usually choosing "darling" or "dear" as a form of acknowledgment instead of just her name, even.

“Cullen, what…why are you taking it? I thought I told you-“

“What you told me doesn’t matter, Inquisitor,” he interrupted, harshly. “I realized just how foolish I was being, trying to withstand an addiction and run an army at the same time. I don’t even think you realize how complicated it is, being plagued by madness while you’re doing such tedious day-to-day matters. I realized the error of my ways, and so I corrected it. Now we can continue onward without further distraction.”

Like a knife being twisted in her heart, Arian let out a breathless sob. This man in front of her, it wasn’t Cullen. The more she looked upon him, the more his entire countenance changed. No longer was there any happiness in his features, his eyes the most saddening of them all. The tawny brown she loved to stare into was now almost a pitch black, just like the new personality he was exhibiting.

“Cullen, my love, you’ve come so far,” she tried to reason with him, all the while her voice attempting to crack at the mere fact that she had admitted how she truly felt for him. He just laughed, and it wasn’t even the normal deep chuckle that she'd come to associate with him; rather a quick cackle that sent a chill up her spine.

“I prefer you not to call me by my name, Inquisitor. We are at war, and formalities matter. ‘Commander’ will do just fine.” The elf could only stare with a pried jaw as he retrieved the vial from where he had set it down and again began taking the infernal drug.

Holding back a fit, Arian walked directly up to him and stared him down with as much frustration as she could muster, never mind the tears pricking at her eyes. Cullen’s eyes didn’t change as he glared equally as stern in her direction.

“And here I thought my opinions meant something to you, _Commander_ ,” she spat at him, anger biting into every syllable. “What happened to the Cullen that said he’d do anything to protect me? Is _this_ what you intended?”

Cullen just groaned in reply. Setting down the vial once more, he stood and walked directly in front of her and for once in her time of knowing him she actually feared the fact that he towered over her by at least a foot.

“I’ve realized the risks of being involved with you,” the Commander hissed then. “It’s time you learned the same.”

Then suddenly, he vanished before her eyes. Arian hadn't even processed this right away though, as his cruel words were the only thing that managed to hold her attention. Darkness slowly seeped into the atmosphere, and all she could do was utter a cry in despair as she desperately reached out to him, begging him to come back to her.

He wanted her no longer. Now she had nothing.

 

* * *

 

Arian woke with a start, sweat covering her body and tears nearly flooding her eyes. She gasped and sat up, trying to take control of her breathing  - which was as rapid as the pounding of her heart against her ribcage.

She looked around her room suddenly, taking in the darkened environment for a moment to assure herself she was truly there and noticing from the position of the moon outside her balcony just how late it was.

Only one thought was in her mind as she attempted to alleviate her panicked self. She needed to see him. What she experienced could only be a nightmare. He would never… he had discussed it with Cassandra, he was thinking about it. What if he _had_ done it despite her orders against it? Was she too late?

These thoughts went unanswered as she quickly leapt out of bed in a haphazardly state and flew toward Cullen’s office. All the while she could feel hot tears consistently drying on her cheeks as the night’s chilly air whipped around her. So much in this place was tainted with war and blood, she didn’t want the only precious thing she held onto to be spoiled as well. She wouldn’t let it.

She flung the door open to his quarters and he stood there, staring into the dimly lit space between them as he registered what he was seeing in front of him. In a single blink after that, he was around the wooden obstacle that was his desk and in front of her, and then she was in his arms, her legs clinging tightly around his waist.

“Arian, darling, whatever is the matter?” He murmured softly into her pointed ear as she sobbed into his cloak. She just shook her head, her arms winding around his neck as her hands fisted into his curly locks.

“Don’t take it Cullen…please don’t take it,” he heard her whisper shakenly, almost though she were pleading for his life.

 _Take it?_ He pondered. It hit him then as his eyes suddenly landed on the broken lyrium kit still in a heap by the doorway.

He had been discussing re-taking lyrium with Cassandra in order to function better as a Commander. Arian had heard him say so herself on more than one account, and immediately he felt guilty of even considering such. Something had obviously shown the woman in his arms what that _might_ look like. And if this was how she was responding-

“I told you I had decided against taking it again, Arian. You helped me with that, remember?” Cullen said soothingly as he rubbed her back. Amidst comforting the elf he noticed then that she was still in her nightdress, her usually tied up hair flowing down her back in beautiful chaos. She must’ve had a nightmare, it was the only reasonable suggestion why she had burst in here so raggedly. He couldn’t help but grow angry at that; the fear demon that she and the others had battled in the Fade was preying on what hurt her most, as it had basically revealed its alliance with Corypheus at that point in time, damn him.

_What hurt her most..._

She feared for his sanity above all else.

Arian pulled back after a while, staring at the Commander with bloodshot eyes, making the blue of them only shine so much more vividly. Without so much as a whisper she leaned forward and tenderly kissed him, and he returned it eagerly, his hands coming up her back to tangle in her silky hair.

“Promise me, you’ll never do it. I can't lose you to it,” she mumbled against his mouth, eyelashes sticky with tears and brows tensed in worry. He shook his head, his nose brushing hers as their kisses intensified. Void take him, he wouldn't let her suffer _his_ nightmare.

“Never, Arian. Never. If only for you.”


End file.
